Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate

In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several eyewitnesses observed him sobbing after accidentally dropping his last crypto down a sewer grate.

Bankman-Fried was reportedly feeling depressed after a series of revelations about his handling of FTX customer investments erased its $32 billion valuation in a matter of days. As its liquidity dried up, his personal net worth of $16 billion was reduced to zero. Friends described Bankman-Fried as despondent and unsure what to do until he reportedly discovered a crypto he hadn’t known he had under the couch in his apartment.

The rejuvenated entrepreneur then reportedly left his apartment and took a stroll down the streets of Nassau with what onlookers described as a spring in his step. He was said to periodically remove his last cryptocurrency from his pocket to stare at it, a look of pure joy on his face. A friend confirmed that the man known as SBF said over text that not even the looming threat of a criminal investigation into his activities with his asset management firm Alameda Group could bring him down with his last cryptocurrency by his side.

Distracted by his last cryptocurrency, which he was holding aloft to admire, Bankman-Fried reportedly failed to notice a fire hydrant on the sidewalk. Several bystanders confirmed that he tripped over the hydrant, sprawling to the sidewalk, and his last crypto skidded out of his grasp.

Sources confirmed that the disgraced investor was then forced to watch in what felt like slow motion as his last crypto in the world teetered on the edge of the sewer grate. For a moment, it reportedly looked like it would just fall harmlessly onto the frame, but it took one last spin and plunged into the sewer.